Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Dear Tall, Smart and Handsome Teenage Manchild Who Resides With Me:

You will notice that the microwave no longer resembles a 2.5 x 1.5 petri dish. I am not sure whether you will be made happy by; made sad by; or feel apathetic about this recent development, but nevertheless, I would like to ensure that the microwave stays in its current state for more than one week. This can be achieved with a small amount of effort on your part.

Immediately to the right of the microwave, you will notice an apparatus which holds a large white roll of something (similar to what you have hopefully found immediately to your right when you are seated on the toilet). These are paper towels (next to the toilet is toilet paper--if you aren't clear on this, let's discuss). The paper towels (and the toilet paper) are perforated at regular intervals, allowing you to easily tear off an amount appropriate for various purposes. You can cover the plate or bowl you put in the microwave (with a paper towel, not toilet paper) and this will prevent splatters and spills, thus allowing the microwave to remain fairly sanitary for quite some time. In the event that you forget to do this, you can also use one of these paper towels to wipe up any mess that is generated during the preparation of your numerous snacks. Should you have any specific questions regarding these procedures and products, please direct them to me. I'll gladly assist you in becoming proficient in these tasks.